What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 08:47
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He resisted the act ,that day.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
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But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What is the best way to get over your ex?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why are women attracted to ugly guys?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Teens like me, what are your expectations when entering adulthood?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I think the readers, may guess!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
Especially a lifetime of it.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She married twice! .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Who then, do I blame.?
But, we were locked up after school.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Would this be the day?
I was very sick at this time too.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
All the time i was locked up.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was scared of men, in general
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I don,t even have a pension.
Put me off passion for life!!
We were not on the streets..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So whats the point in blame.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Comes on , in middle age.
My life is so biszare .
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im still living with it.
My family never makes their pension either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I have no regrets .
She loved him until the end.
She found it foreign!.
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.